A Simple Little Flow Chart

I was thinking a lot recently about cliches and how hard it is to avoid them.  Romantic cliches are particularly tricky.  In order to illustrate this, I decided to create a nice, little flow chart that explores some (but not all) of the common romantic plot lines that can be found in books and movies.

You’re gonna want to click on that image to make it bigger, obviously.  Don’t worry — it’ll open in a new tab.  You should also be able to click on it once it’s open in a new tab to zoom it in even more.  I think you’ll be happier with it then.  Have fun!

Please note the disclaimer in red in the lower left corner.  I just couldn’t cover everything.  This process was exhausting enough as it was.  Hell, the computerized version wasn’t even my first draft.  I did it all on paper first.

See?

I threw my ruler on there for a size reference. I had no banana for scale. (Very few people are going to get that reference, I fear)

But the reason I did this was to show you that avoiding cliches is hard, and you shouldn’t be expected to do it perfectly.  That’s why I talk about taking a cliche and making it your own.  At this point there aren’t many more options.  You’ll note I didn’t really have examples for the “They’re both gay” storyline.  That could use some exploring.  And, of course, my own novels — Hellbound, Grotesque, and The Dreamcatchers — can be found in there.  Because I am not above these cliches at all.  I just try to make them as fresh as possible.  You will also note that many titles appeared multiple times.  That just serves to further illustrate how complicated something as seemingly simple as a relationship between two people can get.  It might also help you to develop some ideas for your own characters and stories, I hope.  Try exploring multiple story arcs at once, or turning a cliche on its head.

Also I did not include the following story line for what I hope are obvious reasons.

Boy and Girl Meet —-> They do not develop a relationship —-> They never see each other again

In a story, if you bring up two people meeting, it has to be relevant somehow.  So….yeah.

I want to talk a little bit about the art of criticism next, so that’ll be coming up.

Ta ta for now!

Some Things to Keep in Mind BEFORE Querying an Agent (Part 3)

We’ve come to the end of a long journey, my friends.  Thank you for sticking with me this far.  I’ve got some last points to make, and then I’ll let you be on your merry way.  So let’s get to it!  The finale!

#8 – When we tell you we’re swamped – we mean it!

This is basically a reiteration of what I said in my previous post, but with more focus on the rejection letters you will inevitably receive.  Most rejection letters will include an apology that goes something like, “While your book is no doubt wonderful, we have decided to pass as this time.  Please understand that we receive a great deal of submissions each day, yadda yadda.”  Just wanted to let you know…we mean it when we say that.  When we reject you, it really doesn’t mean that your book is bad and that you should stop trying.  That being said, there are some things you should keep in mind…

#9 – Do YOU like your book?

How do I say this?  Of course you have to like your book if you believe in it enough to send it out to agents, but…have you read similar titles?  Have you compared your book to other books you like and seen if it holds up to the already published books’ high standards?  They say you are your own worst critic.  I think that’s good.  It’s when you’re your own biggest fan that you run into trouble.  If you’re unable to cast a critical eye on your own work, play devil’s advocate and anticipate the criticisms that agents are going to give, then your book probably isn’t quite ready to be unleashed on the world.

When I talked about doing your research in my last post, and having other people read your work, I really, really meant it.  Because we are busy, and we don’t want to have our time wasted by the first 100 pages of literary nonsense that fell out of your brain.  It’s harsh, but it’s true.  A lot of people think agents are there to do your critiquing and revising for you, but that’s just not right.  We can’t take on a book unless it’s as close to finished as it can possibly get without the help of a professional editor.  Our jobs are on the line if your book doesn’t sell, so we can’t take on a project that only has the potential for being good.  Because there’s no guarantee that the author will be receptive to our criticism, and, even if they are, they still might not be able to make the changes we want to see.

And finally…

#10 – How is your book different from the hundreds of thousands that are already out there?

When agents like a book, they have to go through the same process that authors do – querying.  Only agents query the publishers, and the publishers aren’t keen on taking on every project that gets sent their way.  So we have to know why this book is unique and different and guaranteed to sell a million copies.  Which means you have to know all that, and you have to tell us!  When you do your research and find other similar titles, you have to tell us that you’ve looked at them, and that yours is different because it has/does/includes____________________, which none of those other books have done.  Now, this doesn’t necessarily have to be included in the query, though it wouldn’t hurt, but you should be prepared to answer those questions in case they’re asked.  Especially if you know that your book is really, really similar to, say, the Sherlock Holmes series.  We’re going to want to know how you’re different from a Sir Arthur Conan Doyle wannabe, and you’d better be prepared with a better answer than, “My book takes place in present day.”

That’s it!  We’re done!  Hooray!  I hope I was somewhat helpful.

Word of the Day: Finale (n) – The last piece, division, or movement of a concert, opera, or composition.

Some Things to Keep in Mind BEFORE Querying an Agent (Part 2)

It’s time for more whirlwind advice from a lowly literary intern.  Today we’re going to look at a couple big DON’Ts, and maybe a DO if we have time.  Let’s get to it!

#4 – Don’t ramble on and on! (I know, I should take my own advice, right?)

We get lots of query letters and emails.  Hundreds a month.  And we’re one of the smaller agencies out there.  It’s our job to read and respond to all of those queries as quickly as possible.  This means that we do not have time to read your life story.  Your query should tell us exactly what we want to know – and nothing more.  This usually includes a brief synopsis of your work, a breakdown of what categories your work fits in to (Young Adult/Adult; Fiction/Nonfiction; etc.), word count and assurance that the manuscript/proposal is complete, and a little bit about yourself.  If you’ve been published before, have an MFA in Creative Writing, whatever, we do want to know that.  We may even want to know how you heard about us.  What we don’t want is:

Hi there, agents!  How are you today?  I’m doing fine, thank you.  (I just assumed you asked me how I was back)  I heard about you on Writing Website and then I read all of the novels you’ve represented and I decided we just had to work together.  Please consider my novel, Hitting on Dummies.  It’s kind of a Satire-Meets-Parody-Meets-Film Noir type deal.  Now let me provide you with a three-page synopsis, the first seven chapters, and my life history…

Did you get bored reading that?  Maybe not, since I tried to make it funny, but things like this do happen.  My coworkers and I often sigh in frustration as we mutter to the computer screen, begging the email to somehow produce the vital details that we’ve desperately been searching for through all the fluff.

I’m not saying you should be curt or rude, or risk cutting down your synopsis for the sake of brevity, but when querying an agent, believe me – less is more.

#5 – Do your research!

I’m putting this in here because it ties in to the previous point.  I know doing research is a bore, but it’s necessary.  Each agent has different specifications for queries – some aren’t accepting unsolicited queries at this time, some only want a synopsis and a brief bio, others want you to include some sample chapters with your query (usually in the body of the email, when sent electronically), and some will specifically state that they don’t represent certain genres – and that genre might be yours!  (We have received several queries for children’s picture books, which we simply do not represent.  End of story.  Aw, crap, I’ll leave that in, but no pun intended.)  Others still will tell you that they don’t accept snail mail queries, and some others even want you to spell their name right.  Yes, as I’ve said, we’ve seen some interesting variations of our boss’ name.  If nothing else, please make sure you get the name and sex/gender/pronouns of the agent you’re querying right.  And do try to make it personal.  Chances are, your query isn’t going to be read by the agent him/her/themself, but address it to them anyway.  No “To whom it may concern” or “Dear Sir/Madam.”  I’ve seen both, and it made me feel like the author couldn’t be bothered to look up who they were writing to.  This also leads me to…

#6 – Your query will most likely not be read by the agent you’re addressing.

Did you see what I said up there about the hundreds of queries a month?  Did you note that I’m an intern?  That’s because there is just no way that one person could possibly handle that influx of queries – not to mention other business information.

So don’t kid yourself.  An intern or an assistant is probably going to be reading your query first, but they are just as important as the agent, if not more.  In order to get the agent to take notice of your work, you first have to impress the intern.  So listen to the advice I’m giving, because this is the kind of stuff I pay attention to before telling my boss she should look at a book.  And don’t be offended by the idea that the agent probably isn’t going to even look at your query letter.  First try to answer 150 emails a day, 5 days a week.  Then tell me you don’t want interns reading your query.

Finally…

#7 – Don’t ask us to recommend other agents to you if we reject you.

We’ve gotten this a few times:  We send out a rejection, and the author writes back thanking us for our time, and asking us if we could maybe possibly recommend some other agents that they might maybe possibly be able to query.  Here’s why this is bad:

Remember the “Do your research” advice up there?  Remember the “We get a ton of emails every day that we have to answer”?  We’re not going to do your research for you, Lazy McGee.

And we’re certainly not going to give you other agents’ names, because it’s possible that you might then write to that agent saying, “I got a glowing recommendation from this other agent, and he/she/they said that you’d probably be really interested in my work.”  That’s not what we said, but you could certainly lie, and we wouldn’t be able to stop you.  And then our reputation would be on the line.  So don’t ask us, because we won’t tell you.

That’s all for now!  I think I’ll dedicate one more post to this subject, and then I’ll be done with it.

Word of the Day: Ignoramus (n) – an extremely ignorant person.

(Hint: Don’t be one of those)

Also, this XKCD made me think of, well…me.