I am Orangutan

It’s finally reached the breaking point, boiling over, filling me with rage.  I want to shout it loud and clear: YOU CANNOT BE OCD!!!  Not possible.  OCD, or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, is a NOUN.  That is like saying “I am apple” or “I am orangutan.”  It doesn’t work!  Unless, of course, you are an orangutan who has mastered the basics of English but still stumbles over little things like articles, in which case I applaud you, Sir Ape.  Congratulations on achieving something so monumental.  Surely you are the envy of your ape peers.

Furthermore, if you say you are obsessive compulsive (which is the right way to say that, if not “I have OCD.”) then you are probably still wrong.  Let me break it down: Obsessions are the thoughts.  The ones you can’t get rid of.  They invade your brain, leaving room for nothing else.  The only way you can stop them is if you do something.  And that is where the compulsion part comes in.  A compulsion is a thing you do to help drive out the obsessive thought.  For example, there was once a man who had to drive over a single speed bump on his way to work every morning.  And every time he drove over that speed bump, he had the same obsessive, invasive thought: What if that was a person I just ran over?  He thought about it so much that he had to turn and go around the block again just to double check that it was a speed bump and not a person.  This would be an obsession followed by a compulsion.  Even worse, as soon as he went over the bump again, he had the same thought: Was it a person?  He would go back over that same speed bump so many times that it made him late for work.  In the end, he began waking up earlier in the morning just so he could accommodate this hour-long, obsessive-compulsive delay and still arrive to work on time.

That, my friends, is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

It is not:

Wanting to finish eating your hamburger before starting on your fries.

Wanting all your pencils to be sharp.

Cleaning your room regularly.

Watching every episode of a show in order.

FURTHERMORE, it is definitely not a disorder unless it meets the three D’s: Deviant, Dysfunction, Distressful.

In other words, if it doesn’t fuck up your life in a major way, it’s not a disorder.

So stop abusing OCD.  People who really have it will thank you.  People who don’t have it should be glad they don’t spend six hours a week driving over the same speed bump.  I don’t care if you can only listen to Britney Spears music while wearing pink socks.  That might make you weird, but it doesn’t give you the right to self-diagnose with a serious disorder.

In other news, I’d like to take a quick second to thank everyone who has supported my blog this far.  I recently surpassed 200 followers, which doesn’t seem like a lot, but it is to me because I started this thing with zero.  And I don’t really do a lot of self promotion, or comment regularly on other blogs, so 200 is a big accomplishment for me.  So thank you.  And please excuse the rant.




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Filed under Grammar, Humor, Language, writing

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