I didn’t originally intend this post to be an homage to Allie Brosh, but I realized after writing it in my head that I couldn’t possibly not mention her. She was writing posts like this one long before I started blogging.
Anyway, here are my letters:
Dear Other Dog Owners,
My dog is not always friendly towards other dogs. Don’t get me wrong; he loves people. If he met you on the street (sans dog), he would think you were his new best friend. He’d probably sit on your foot and gaze up at you adoringly, hoping you’d start petting him and never stop. But if he sees another dog, he can get aggressive or territorial. This is why I always walk him on a leash. And I have a corrective collar attachment that helps me keep him under control (squirrels and cats are also in danger, after all). I also turn and walk away if I see another dog being walked nearby. But all this means nothing if your dog is free to come over and get murdered.* Please, please, PLEASE put your dog on a leash when you walk him or her.
“But he’s a good boy. He never leaves my side!” you might say.
But what if he does?
“Oh, she always comes when I call her.”
But what if she doesn’t?
Listen, it’s obviously a tremendous burden to take two extra seconds to put a leash on your dog, but breaking up a fight is worse, right? Just think on it, okay? One menial task could save all of us a lot of grief.
Dear (Probably Drunk) People Who (I Guess) Have Made a Hobby of Breaking Glass Bottles on the Sidewalk,
I wear shoes.
My dog doesn’t.
You guys are assholes.
Dear Lady Who Left Her One-and-a-Half-Year-Old Son in His Stroller OUTSIDE the Teavana While You Went in to Order a Drink,
I have a short list of words here for you, and they’re all related in some way. Let’s see if you can guess what that relation is:
3. Child Molesters
4. Pedophiles who kidnap children so they can molest them*
5. Crowded malls with women who are conveniently not near their children or paying attention in any way
Can you guess what all these things have in common? That’s right: You’re an idiot!
That’s all. Just a few things I needed to get off my chest.
Word of the Day: Menial (adj) – Lowly and sometimes degrading.
*Dear All the People Who Need to See this Disclaimer,
I am not trying to make light of pedophilia, kidnapping, or child molestation. Quite the opposite, I fear for any child who is left unattended in a crowded area. That is what prompted the above “letter.”
I would also like it known that it is not my intention to insult any of my readers. If you are a person who does not use a leash when walking your dog, then that is your decision. My “letter” was meant to be a cautionary one, written with the use of humor because that is how I write most everything. It was not a personal attack. I don’t even know you.
And finally: My dog would not murder your dog. He has, in fact, met dogs he’s been perfectly friendly with. He is not feral. He might bite, snap, growl, or something like that just to show dominance or to get the other dog to get away from “his” territory. I have yet to convince him that the neighborhood does not belong to him. He is a very sweet boy, so I would not want you to think ill of him.