Out of Context and into a New One

So I have this best friend, that I might have mentioned once or twice in the past.  The only instances I remember are from like…one of my first ever posts, which I refuse to link to because I like to pretend that part of my life never happened, and this post here.  Anyway, her name is Liz.  Here’s a picture of us together:

As she is currently residing in Scotland, where she is attending university, she requested that I put her in some form of Tartan.  I have never drawn Tartan before, so I apologize if it looks a bit sloppy.  That might be why she looks so perturbed in that picture.  Anyway, you might have noticed that we are two very different people…

But despite our differences, and my slightly longer right arm (how did that happen?), we have some hilarious conversations.  Usually on Skype or Facebook.  And I thought to myself that we could make some interesting poetry out of the things that Liz and I have said to each other over the past couple months.  You can guess what I did.  Below you will find eighteen poems composed solely of things that we have said to each other on Facebook chat.  Now I know I’ve said before that I don’t particularly like poetry.  In fact, if you clicked onto the post that I linked to above, you already know my opinion on the matter.  But I must say that this project was really fun to take on, and I thought the results were so amusing that they just had to be shared.  So here you go:

#1
Surgically removing the vocal cords it is then
It’d be amazeballs if you could do that
I am kind of a nerd, remember
 
#2
An Italian girl with the last name Ferrari. Priceless
I am kind of a nerd, remember
 
#3
I have a little bit of pride for my country right now. It’ll pass I’m sure
Anyone?  Anyone?
I’m not going to pretend I know where North Dakota is
Lots of English speakers don’t seem to know English
Whatever it was, I’m sure they deserved it
 
#4
I might have a puppy
Maybe the gophers are her true friends
I shan’t tell you
 
#5
My bladder insists I recognize its needs as valid
Are you a zombie?
No, obviously that predated being a responsible adult
 
#6
I don’t believe that this tiny Chinese girl is twenty
She just executed a perfect double shoe string flip into a backwards turkey somersault
Triple Deluxe Assassination Flips
A picture needed to happen
 
#7
So how’s you? Alive, which is good
It’s all the steroids
Amerrca has the best ‘roids
Yoga is dangerous bidniss
 
#8
How’s he feeling about being a real man?
Apparently he proposed with a ring from a toy store
Not being pregnant is pretty awesome
 
#9
Mittens Romney is running for president
I hope you ask the lunch’s permission first
After we fuck it
 
#10
Greetings from Slightly Less Pathetic-Ville
I wish an eerie fog hadn’t just descended over the city
Maybe when they give women the right to vote and foreigners the right to be treated as equals, things will change
They don’t even have pizza
 
#11
Silence? What’s that? Can I talk through it?
I thought I was all about hyperbole
Chocolate chip EVERYTHING exists
The house smelled so badly of smoke, I thought it might be on fire
 
#12
You seemed to want to talk
Just as an aside really
I was exhausted and angry
I realized I didn’t have to be that mean
Were you mean?
Don’t feel bad because it was hilarious
 
#13
We hope to satisfy you
Poor unpaid Romanian slave
I would like to return a pair of jeans I got in the mail today
Clearly our friendship is over
If they don’t understand the sarcasm then surely they’ll not understand what I’m asking for
Yet again
Clearly our friendship is over
 
#14
We’re not representing your brilliant new RomCom
I lost my virginity at Hebrew School
Either psychotically creepy or psychotically cute
The world may never know
That’d be the weirdest thing to brag about
 
#15
The time left in our lives is ticking away
Steal that idea and make it good
I wish I could
I don’t like being busy and important
I don’t think anything will come of this
I hate the word “job.” Also “money.” Also “what” and “are” and “you” and “going” and “to do” and “to make”
But I have my own ideas to make good
 
The time left in our lives is ticking away
Those people try to outrun the wind
Like a moth to skinny jeans
My brain is a toddler
I think you made a wrong turn somewhere in your life
I’m sorry mum, I’d love to visit, but I’ve been enslaved
Smiley faces are always offending you
 
The time left in our lives is ticking away
It kinda feels like you’re not allowed to be an idiot anymore
All the better for having sex with random strangers
Watching Batman cartoons indeed
I’m glad you’re finally fulfilled
Should I be flattered?
Things are looking up already
 
The time left in our lives is ticking away
Towards what or from what, I don’t know
Find a way to not be bored
Like maybe trying to be blue
If you’re ever here and not having illegal amounts of sex
Yes I am, and no I won’t
 
The time left in our lives is ticking away
Death is hilarious
Clearly the work of masters
 
#16
Oh, he is the sweetest of sweethearts
He asked what the definition of a party was, and I said it was him
He didn’t tell me what happened
He’s a stupidly fast learner
He thinks he’s funny sometimes. It’s cute
He surprised me, and I can sustain myself for weeks on the memory of seeing him there in my kitchen
He’s going to be in my future even if I have to drag him there kicking and screaming
 
#17
JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED
I thought I was all about hyperbole
UNLESS YOU’RE ME
Oh, he is the sweetest of sweethearts
WHICH YOU’RE NOT
If you’re ever here and not having illegal amounts of sex
YOU’RE A HEATHEN
 
#18
He’s done picking out the livers and leaving them all over the floor
Some people like to believe that’s food
Hot fudge, man.  Hot fudge
Next to steak
Christmas sushi is the best
You stay at home and eat jicama
Your food is against my religion
Why don’t I eat this and nothing else forever?
Maybe I will choose you over food
I hope you’re suitably disgusted
 

Word of the Day: Tartan (n) – a woolen or worsted cloth woven with stripes of different colors and widths crossing at right angles, worn chiefly by the Scottish Highlanders, each clan having its own distinctive plaid.

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Filed under Humor, writing

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