So I have this best friend, that I might have mentioned once or twice in the past. The only instances I remember are from like…one of my first ever posts, which I refuse to link to because I like to pretend that part of my life never happened, and this post here. Anyway, her name is Liz. Here’s a picture of us together:
As she is currently residing in Scotland, where she is attending university, she requested that I put her in some form of Tartan. I have never drawn Tartan before, so I apologize if it looks a bit sloppy. That might be why she looks so perturbed in that picture. Anyway, you might have noticed that we are two very different people…
But despite our differences, and my slightly longer right arm (how did that happen?), we have some hilarious conversations. Usually on Skype or Facebook. And I thought to myself that we could make some interesting poetry out of the things that Liz and I have said to each other over the past couple months. You can guess what I did. Below you will find eighteen poems composed solely of things that we have said to each other on Facebook chat. Now I know I’ve said before that I don’t particularly like poetry. In fact, if you clicked onto the post that I linked to above, you already know my opinion on the matter. But I must say that this project was really fun to take on, and I thought the results were so amusing that they just had to be shared. So here you go:#1 Surgically removing the vocal cords it is then It’d be amazeballs if you could do that I am kind of a nerd, remember #2 An Italian girl with the last name Ferrari. Priceless I am kind of a nerd, remember #3 I have a little bit of pride for my country right now. It’ll pass I’m sure Anyone? Anyone? I’m not going to pretend I know where North Dakota is Lots of English speakers don’t seem to know English Whatever it was, I’m sure they deserved it #4 I might have a puppy Maybe the gophers are her true friends I shan’t tell you #5 My bladder insists I recognize its needs as valid Are you a zombie? No, obviously that predated being a responsible adult #6 I don’t believe that this tiny Chinese girl is twenty She just executed a perfect double shoe string flip into a backwards turkey somersault Triple Deluxe Assassination Flips A picture needed to happen #7 So how’s you? Alive, which is good It’s all the steroids Amerrca has the best ‘roids Yoga is dangerous bidniss #8 How’s he feeling about being a real man? Apparently he proposed with a ring from a toy store Not being pregnant is pretty awesome #9 Mittens Romney is running for president I hope you ask the lunch’s permission first After we fuck it #10 Greetings from Slightly Less Pathetic-Ville I wish an eerie fog hadn’t just descended over the city Maybe when they give women the right to vote and foreigners the right to be treated as equals, things will change They don’t even have pizza #11 Silence? What’s that? Can I talk through it? I thought I was all about hyperbole Chocolate chip EVERYTHING exists The house smelled so badly of smoke, I thought it might be on fire #12 You seemed to want to talk Just as an aside really I was exhausted and angry I realized I didn’t have to be that mean Were you mean? Don’t feel bad because it was hilarious #13
We hope to satisfy you Poor unpaid Romanian slave I would like to return a pair of jeans I got in the mail today Clearly our friendship is over If they don’t understand the sarcasm then surely they’ll not understand what I’m asking for Yet again Clearly our friendship is over #14 We’re not representing your brilliant new RomCom I lost my virginity at Hebrew School Either psychotically creepy or psychotically cute The world may never know That’d be the weirdest thing to brag about #15 The time left in our lives is ticking away Steal that idea and make it good I wish I could I don’t like being busy and important I don’t think anything will come of this I hate the word “job.” Also “money.” Also “what” and “are” and “you” and “going” and “to do” and “to make” But I have my own ideas to make good The time left in our lives is ticking away Those people try to outrun the wind Like a moth to skinny jeans My brain is a toddler I think you made a wrong turn somewhere in your life I’m sorry mum, I’d love to visit, but I’ve been enslaved Smiley faces are always offending you The time left in our lives is ticking away It kinda feels like you’re not allowed to be an idiot anymore All the better for having sex with random strangers Watching Batman cartoons indeed I’m glad you’re finally fulfilled Should I be flattered? Things are looking up already The time left in our lives is ticking away Towards what or from what, I don’t know Find a way to not be bored Like maybe trying to be blue If you’re ever here and not having illegal amounts of sex Yes I am, and no I won’t The time left in our lives is ticking away Death is hilarious Clearly the work of masters #16 Oh, he is the sweetest of sweethearts He asked what the definition of a party was, and I said it was him He didn’t tell me what happened He’s a stupidly fast learner He thinks he’s funny sometimes. It’s cute He surprised me, and I can sustain myself for weeks on the memory of seeing him there in my kitchen He’s going to be in my future even if I have to drag him there kicking and screaming #17 JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE JUDGED I thought I was all about hyperbole UNLESS YOU’RE ME Oh, he is the sweetest of sweethearts WHICH YOU’RE NOT If you’re ever here and not having illegal amounts of sex YOU’RE A HEATHEN #18 He’s done picking out the livers and leaving them all over the floor Some people like to believe that’s food Hot fudge, man. Hot fudge Next to steak Christmas sushi is the best You stay at home and eat jicama Your food is against my religion Why don’t I eat this and nothing else forever?
Maybe I will choose you over food I hope you’re suitably disgusted
Word of the Day: Tartan (n) – a woolen or worsted cloth woven with stripes of different colors and widths crossing at right angles, worn chiefly by the Scottish Highlanders, each clan having its own distinctive plaid.